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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Poke and squeeze

Okay, first of all, please excuse my sick humor today. You've been warned.

Today was a big day. The day I had to go to the Woman's Imaging Center at the hospital for tests.

You may recall when I told you about my thermostat being broken in this post. Apparently I have begun perimenopause ... too soon.

So my doc, just to be careful, ordered some tests. I had some blood work done last week. It confirmed that I, indeed, am beginning perimenopause. She also ordered an internal ultrasound. Yikes!

I've had three pregnancies and four ultrasounds (Nick was late so I had a second one just to make sure fluids, etc. were okay - they were). All of these ultrasounds were external. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about this one.

So I'm reading the pre-test instructions and it says to drink 32 oz. of water one hour before my appointment time. So I'm thinking how in the world am I going to have an internal ultrasound without peeing all over the technician if my bladder is full from drinking 32 oz. of water?! But I drink anyway. 40 oz. to be exact (my water bottle is a 20 oz. bottle - I had 2).

I'm also scheduled for my yearly mammogram. Technically I'm not due for it until after my 40th birthday, which is in December (in case you wanted to get me a card), but she figured since I'd be there anyway, I may as well just do both. Easy for her to say.

Thankfully the ultrasound was first.

So the tech takes me back to the little room. She asks me if my bladder is full, to which I emphatically answer yes! We chat a little. We talk about having to have a full bladder for an ultrasound when you are pregnant. I make a joke about cruel and unusual punishment. She laughs. She's been there.

She then tells me that she will do an external abdominal ultrasound first, then allow me to go empty my bladder for the internal one. Whew! I told her I was wondering how I was going to make it through without peeing on her. To which she comments, "now that would be cruel and unusual punishment." I like her. Even though she is about to stick something where it shouldn't be stuck. :)

So I make it through the ultrasound okay. It will be a couple days before I hear anything from my doc.

Next stop, mammogram. The tech leads me to the little dressing room, gives my a lovely blue cape to wear, and tells me where I need to go sit and wait.

So I go from being bottomless for the first test to being topless for the second. What a day!

I sit in the little waiting area. I'm the only one there once this other lady who was waiting for her mother leaves. Then another older woman joins me in her beautiful blue cape. She seems a bit uptight, so I just continue to read my magazine. (I always carry a book/magazine with me. I hate when you start reading an article in one of their magazines and don't get to finish it.) A few minutes later we are joined by another older woman. She sits down in her gorgeous blue cape.

I'm thinking of a way to break the ice, so I say, "I'm so embarrassed." They both look at me like I'm nuts. "I can't believe we all wore the same top here today!" Uptight woman laughs. Second woman laughs. Ice broken. So we start talking.

I tell them about when my friend Tracy got married the same day my cousin, Beverly, got married. My friend, Lisa, and I were both bridesmaids in Tracy's wedding, but we were both also invited to Beverly's wedding. So we decide to leave Tracy's wedding for a little while (after checking with her first, of course), to go see Beverly and her new husband.

While at Beverly's wedding, Lisa and I are standing beside each other talking to the bride and groom. We joke about how embarrassed we are to be wearing the same gown to her wedding. Laugh, chuckle, leave.

So the two other mammo ladies laugh at that also. Uptight woman gets called back, which leaves just me and the second woman. We talk a while. She has grandkids the age of Nicholas, so we talk about funny things they say and do. Then she gets called back.

I'm sitting there thinking ... um, I was the first one sitting in this little waiting area, and I'm the last one called back? What's up with that?

No matter. I'm done with my magazine, so I pop in my earphones for my iPod. I just downloaded the new album (is that still what they are called?) from Creed on iTunes, so I'm jamming.

Finally I get called back. The tech can't apologize enough for making me wait. I told her it really wasn't a problem, but she continues anyway. I guess it makes her feel better?

She puts me up on the machine, starts to line everything up then says, "Oh, wait. I need to change this plate. This plate was for large breasted women." Gee, thanks. As if this weren't uncomfortable enough. So I try to get past that by telling her that I did have breasts at one time. Three times actually. While I was pregnant and then for a year or so after while I was nursing.

So anyway, she does the mammogram. Squish, squeeze, release. Again. Other side. Squish, squeeze, release. Again. Sheesh! I jokingly tell her I believe a man invented this machine. She laughs and agrees. Then sends me on my way. See you in a year!

I've definitely had enough bodily violations to last me a while. :)


f8hasit said...

I am so glad I wasn't you today!
(but I feel your pain...)

I hope the tests come out fine. It's an interesting process we women have to go through. Thank God you have a sense of humor.

LAURA said...

hahahahaaa!! I was dying when you wrote that you told them you were embarrassed because you all wore the same top. Awesome! I would have never thought of that haha.